When Kids Leave...

Usually, parents would like it to be something planned and structured and desired by both parties. Parents understand that this is the best way to provide a platform for the future success of their child.

I say usually, because I suppose there are extenuating circumstances when parents don't want their kids around any more, regardless.

However, Nicki and I are not those parents. At least, not right now. Who knows with the little boys. We may feel it is best for their mortal survival at some point. Or not. They could continue being the good boys they are right now. This is our plan.

It was our plan for our daughters. Even Cassidy, who has only been with our family for the past 5 and a half years.We have really strived to give her the tools and teaching she needs in order to be a successful, adult, contributing member of society. Obviously, we have had expectations - of performance and behavior - as we do with all of our children.

Performance is easy. Just do the best you can do at all times and in all things you do. Keep commitments. Those sorts of things. Straight As are not the expectation (unless that is what we know the best is from that child).

Contribute to the family - there are chores, there are things that need to be done to help around the house and to get 6 kids to various activities every day. When you are the oldest and have a driver's license, it kind of comes with the territory. Of course, we could deny the younger kids opportunities and activities that the older kids had, I suppose. But it's kind of a time for the older kids to be able to repay by helping with the younglings.

Behavior is more tricky. We have standards that we have learned through our religious beliefs. We teach these standards of behavior to our children. As they get older, they are allowed more and more freedom to make their own choices and mistakes. Naturally, there are consequences that come with choices. Some are implemented by us - usually in an effort to protect our children from what could be far worse consequences. Hopefully, they are powerful enough to reinforce positive behavior and inhibit negative behavior. And yes, there are consequences for both good and bad choices.

Again, "good" and "bad" definitions are largely informed by our religious beliefs - as I believe it should be for all parents who believe in something, presuming they want their children to believe in that same something.

I get it. Some people are different. Some people have no expectations or requirements of their children. They say, "We should let them learn on their own and make their own mistakes and not have any responsibilities because they are just kids."

That's cool. But the vast majority of those children are in prison. Or out of prison and in gangs. Or dead. I guess we just want more than that for our children.

Sometime children, regardless of how hard we try, will insist on making choices that range from unwise, to poor, to horribly bad. Unfortunately, that's where Cassidy has been at, lately.

She is 18, although still in High School. Yet, for all the unconditional love she has had at home, she feels, currently, that she needs more.

There is much more to it than what is going to be presented here, but I won't get into every little detail - particularly of Tuesday night. Suffice it to say that, aside from just regular familial responsibilities (which were admittedly a little more recently because of a small issue of cancer) she didn't like having restrictions on her cell phone and internet usage. But, again, as protectors for our children, we will enforce such restrictions when our children repeatedly demonstrate that they are unable to handle the freedom without degrading into self-destructive behaviors, at best, or even worse, family-destructive behaviors.

So, she left us. It's been two days. It hurts. A lot. I know how I feel. And I'm just the Dad.

Nicki is hurt and heartbroken. My kids are confused and hurt even more - especially the youngest 3, given this is a repeat of what has already happened in their lives.

I hope she is okay. I hope she doesn't make any more stupid choices that will cost her more than her choices through today have. I worry. I fret.

Oh...and I am mad. Don't forget that. The lies she is spreading are vicious and deplorable. The selfishness involved in these actions is supreme. As if Nicki and I wouldn't like, sometimes, to just get up and run away from all of our problems. But, as adults and parents, we know what we would lose is infinitely greater than the minute perception of freedom we would gain.

What is Cassidy doing? Well, read Luke 15:11-16. That's my best guess. And all I can hope and pray for is that, at some point, verses 17-24 will happen.

Show Some Gratitude

The other day, I was asked out on a date.

By a 16-year-old girl.

Usually, my response would be, "No."

However, this was an invitation to the "Gratitude Dinner" the Young Women from the ward were doing.  Each young woman was supposed to invite someone they were grateful for - grateful for influence, help, etc.

I will tell you that I did not cry.  As long as your definition of not crying is "barely keeping in tears with every ounce of energy down to the sub-cellular level of my being."

The truth is I was very touched.  Besides, Nicki had already been invited, so I was going to be hungry that night if I couldn't find some food somewhere.

And of course, I deserved it.  I have done so much for this young lady.  If not for me, she wouldn't be who she is today.

She would probably be even a better person, actually.  Although, I have been able to help her on strategies for enjoying Disneyland to the highest capacity.

But really, I have known her for 14 of her 16 years.  My family has been with her family through some really tough trials - as well as some really great times.

And most recently, I have been her Seminary teacher.  Every morning at 6:00.  6 AM.  In the morning.  And to think, they actually have the nerve to call it "Early-morning Seminary."

Anyway, the dinner was last night - a baked potato bar.  Oh...yes!  Bring on the melty nacho cheese and the bacon and chili.  It doesn't matter that the chili and cheese were likely left over from the ward Trunk-or-Treat a week ago.  Freezers are great just for occasions like this.  I most certainly would not have done that well had I been left to provide my own sustenance.

During the evening, each young women was to stand with their guest and explain why she invited that person.  And naturally, during that introduction, I did not cry.  I most definitely did not cry.  As long as your definition of not crying has been loosened a little from above to now be "coming within a microsecond of completely breaking down and bawling like a tiny little baby."

Thank you, Mags.